Experimental Child of the 60s

If you want me to, I will be the one, that is always good, and you’ll love me too, but you’ll never know, what I feel inside, that I’m really bad. Little trouble girl.

Sometimes, I just don’t even know what to say about anything. One of those moments when absolutely nothing comes to mind. I’m not referring to my Tumblr post. I mean in life. Life life life. It is a funny thing. 

We had the weirdest relationship, I remember it pretty well. Constant teasing, joking & making fun of each other. You would sometimes say mean things to me, & I sometimes said mean things to you, but there was always this underlying sense of positive emotions we had for each other. You would act as if you hated me, but I knew it was a facade. You were just being a typical ten year old boy. I on the other hand, did hate you. At first. But as we grew up I began to realize that you were harmless. It’s funny thinking back on how I told you that my mom was a mad scientist. We shared a lot of obscure stories with each other. I really miss that. It was pretty obvious we both formulated little crushes on each other. We had a lot in common, & actually did get a long pretty well. I always liked that you were exactly a month older than me. March 25 & April 25. I was always excited to see you. I would walk to your house randomly to see if you were there. Once I even took your jacket from Ms.Chesbro’s room just because I knew I would miss you when I went on my camping trip for the weekend. I really did like you a lot, I don’t know if you ever knew. I knew you liked me too because you weren’t good at hiding it. I remember the phone call when you asked me to go shooting with you and your family. haha. Weirdest invite I’ve ever received. I must have been around thirteen, maybe twelve. I was really nervous when you asked me to go, & I am really sorry I told you no. I just got really weird about those kind of situations back then, mostly because I was so young & awkward when it came to boys. I always wonder what would have happened if I would have gone. But I’ll never know, so it doesn’t matter. Last day of school before thanksgiving break, seventh grade. You were walking home from school & I was a few feet ahead of you. If I would have known that that was going to be the last time I would see you for a long time, it probably would have gone a little differently. When we got back to school you just vanished & I didn’t see you for another year or two. I still don’t know what happened. You moved a lot & had family issues though. It was sad when you would tell me the stories about your dad. I always tried to help, but I don’t know if I was any good at it. Anyways, I saw you again a year or two later at the jubilee, and for some reason, I tried avoiding you as much as possible. You chased me & I ran away. I really don’t know why I was so stupid. I wasn’t thinking. I feel terrible thinking about it. You called me later & I even ignored your phone calls. It is really strange thinking back, because I honestly do not have an answer for why I responded that way. Maybe because I hadn’t seen you in a long time & was shocked. I don’t know. I didn’t know how to react. But the time between then & everything after that is really foggy to me. But there is one event I will never ever forget. Your mother texted me saying you were in the hospital & that you were asking for me. It was early morning. I was really confused & didn’t know what was going on. I asked her & all she said was that you were in intensive care, & you wanted to see me. I thought maybe you had a dirt bike accident. & of course, me being the shy & nervous person I was back then, I didn’t go & see you. I thought you would be okay & that you would recover soon. I guess I should have taken the situation more seriously. I texted your mom a few days later asking if you were still there, because I had finally gotten up the nerve to go see you. But she didn’t text back. Instead she called me. It was really confusing at first because I did not know what was going on. I just remember the conversation went exactly like this. “Hello, Lauren?” “Yeah?” …long pause… “..Keith…died…yesterday morning..” …long pause, sobs… “Whaat??? What?? Oh my God… I.. huh?? I am soo sorry. I don’t understand..” & that is all I can really remember of that. I got off the phone with her & began to bawl hysterically. I really had no idea that you being in the hospital was that serious. I still don’t even know what to think, especially sense nobody could figure out the cause of your death. Not even doctors. It is really scary actually. I attended your funeral. I was late. How typical & stupid of me. It was hard to find, so I guess I shouldn’t blame myself entirely. Still. Anyways, all this, everything from then & now, is probably the most shocking, puzzling, & depressing situation I have ever experienced this far into my life. Fourteen years old & I had already lost one of my closest friends. I didn’t know what to do, or how to react. I still think about you almost every day. At the most random moments, you pop into my head. Whether it be random memories we shared, or me STILL wondering what would have happened if I said yes to your shooting invitation. But I think the biggest question I have is what would have happened if I would have visited you in the hospital. I always wonder if there was something you wanted to tell me. It really upsets me thinking about it. If I could go back & change anything, I would have definitely been nicer to you the last few times I saw you, & I would have gone to visit you in the hospital. I am truly sorry. You will never know how I feel about all this because you are not anywhere around to hear it or see it. I wish you could see how much I have changed. A lot has changed really. I also wish that I could write about seeing you someday. But that is just silly thinking. I have a lot of questions to ask you that will always go unanswered. I never did receive those movie tickets & rubber duck that you bought me. haha. I used to be obsessed with ducks, & you for some reason loved chickens. Weirdo. But I know for sure that I will never forget you, I know for sure that I will always miss you, I know for sure that I will always be regretful of the last few times I saw you. 

RIP Keith James Boganes. March 25, 1993 - August 3, 2007

http://www.theunion.com/article/20070926/OBITUARIES/109260147

-I haven’t really talked about this to anyone. So it is kind of weird I’m posting it online, but whatever, I don’t really mind. I think it’s about time it has been heard. I don’t really expect a lot of people to even read this whole thing in the first place.

Dead boy stares 
Strange to meet you 
Dead boy cares 
So great to see you 

Is it time to go 
It’s a place I know 
I can’t read your mind 
I can’t find the time 
I can’t feel the thrill 
I don’t have the will 

Dead boy dares 
Believe in you 
Dead boy stares 
Afraid that you will see him 

Is it time to go 
Is it a place I know 
I can’t read your mind 
I can’t find the time 
I can’t feel the thrill 
I don’t have the will 

I love you 
A metallic blue 
I love you 
Golden blue 
I miss you 
Shine all alone 
I miss you 

Don’t know what to do 
I don’t glitter like the stars above 
I don’t glow like neon alone 
Don’t blush it’s just the wind outside 
Don’t rush to be by my side

Sitting. Staring. Wondering what to do.

Not bored, but content. Yet still wanting to be occupied. 

Then I notice something in the corner of my eye.

A green, shiny, plastic egg.

I pick it up & think, what fun can I have with this?

I look around some more & spot some coins.

AH!

I put the coins inside my soon to be musical egg, close it, and shake it.

While I’m in the midst of my musical wonders, I began to shout with a funny accent, I AM IN A BAND, AND I PLAY THE EGG!

 Surly this is only the beginning to my magic music making.

Death, inevitable.

Death, expected.

Always anticipated, usually  unpredictable.

The abrupt end of a life.

The sudden blackness,  the darkness.

Feared, or sought, by an uninterested being.

Empty, vacant,  bare, nothing.

Once death has begun, nothing will go on.

Life formulates its remarkable finish.

Open eyes to blue skys,

Not tomorow, never again.

Not next week, not at all.

So relax for eternity,

Unwind to a time without end.

• This is the poem I wrote for Kyle Hudgins’ obituary. How gloomy…

Ahh… To start fresh! Where shall I begin?